Jonah, hell and death. Kids say some funny stuff

These kids' quotes have been circulating on the web for a while now. but they still make me smile. Have a great day!



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou
shall not kill."

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."


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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as
you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

“[W]e’ll stick a dadgum tree up somebody’s rear if they want that..."

Just what exactly do the Iwo Jima veterans think about Time magazine's global warming cover?

Ben Stein's Movie

Someone in Hollywood actually challenging the big 'think tanks'? This, I have to see. If anyone sees it, let me know what you thought.

American Idol: Kristy Lee Cook performs Forever by Mariah

"You did a really good job..." How does she say that without moving her lips?

American *yawn* Idol

I took a huge amount of space commenting on my friend PandoraWilde's post over at www.cre8tbuzz.com so I thought I should probably use my OWN space to comment on American Idol this week.


I totally agree with her on Brooke's shoe performance. It is hard to play the piano in high heels. Who wouldn't take off their shoe to play? She's not a mannequin and that's refreshing. But, you know what, I grow weary of the pouty mouth, combination head tilt/sad eyes. We need a good week.

Gosh darn it if David Cook put out a CD today I'd buy it. I have a feeling he'll be around a while, long after American Idol.

Jason Castro.
Seriously, where DID he come from? No one is that beautiful without a price, right? Maybe the Internet rumors are true and he really did sell his soul for those good looks. He's going to be in a GAP ad, I can sense it.

Anyway, when Mariah was 'meeting' with Kristy Lee, did you sense any artificial complements? For instance, "I like the way you sang that better than how I did. You're doing a really good job." Um. OK Mariah.

I've grown bored with everyone except Jason Castro and David Cook.

Wordless Wednesday

Star Wars according to a 3 year old.

A Heavenly Weight Loss Idea

We finally had a sunny day here! I put my pasty, white skin right out into those warm UV rays because everybody knows that fat looks better when it's tan. I don't want to be the only soccer mom still wearing a turtleneck and snow pants because my legs look like ricotta cheese.

That's when it became painfully obvious: bloggin' is makin' me fat.

I attribute this to the amount of time I spend reading all the great blogs I'm discovering. How's one supposed to workout when I'm caught between an online quilting lesson and how to speak Italian?

Also, thanks to Easter candy clearance sales, I'm eating jelly beans at the rate of one jelly bean per paragraph. I don't know how we came to celebrate the Resurrection of Christ with colored Whopper eggs, but I'm apparently still celebrating. It seems only fitting that I would come across this website: www.bod4god.org

You can actually compete with other church members in the more subdued version of the Biggest Loser. How great would that be? I can just imagine walking into the church service, sizing up the competition.

The whispers are probably audible when the offering plate is passed and deacon Jim is looking good. "Wow, Jim, looking good. Can I have your recipe for low fat fritters?"

Maybe the church secretary could post the results in the bulletin, right between the Apostles Creed and hymn #556.

Seriously though, it's a great idea. I need to compete in order to lose. Is that sad or what?

Word of the Day

deipnosophist \dyp-NOS-uh-fist\, noun:

Someone who is skilled in table talk.


My 7 year old Hudson proved he is a deipnosophist yesterday when he began our dinner with this topic of conversation:

"You know, I haven't gone poop all year."

It's difficult NOT to have some sort of rebuttal.

Swimsuit Fashions for every Figure

Got the new
catalog in the mail. The swimsuit issue. They have these wonderfully tailored suits that play mind tricks on the viewer. Your 'never see the light of day thighs' turn into mild disturbances when you slip into one of these babies.

Everything is color /shape coded so you pick the body part region you don't want to expose to the known world and they have a suit for you. For instance:



or



or perhaps





The prices range from around $60 per piece (manufacturer recommends both pieces be worn simultaneously for maximum benefit) to $100. If they can do the miracles the folks at Land's End say, then they're worth every cent.

If you're like me and answered "all of the above" to the trouble spots, they also have this category:



When I clicked on this miracle suit category, this is what I found:



The good news is that it comes in Orca blue and World's Largest Pumpkin orange.

I'll be buying one of each.

A Matter of Speaking

Me: "Wow Jackson, you're starting to fill out and get more muscular. You starting to look like a teenager instead of a little boy."

Dylan, age 10: "Does that mean he's going through poverty?"


Puberty, poverty, it's all in the perspective.

Leave it to a Man to be a Mom

Leaving all the philosophical, spiritual, and ethical discussions to much smarter people, I'd just like to say, DANGNABIT MAN!

You're messing with a mother's universal right to use the pain of childbirth as unlimited leverage over her husband and children. "I writhed in agony for 27 hours just to get you out of my body, the least you can do is keep your room clean."

The "Wow did you see how much pain I was in giving birth to YOUR child" guilt trip is an irreplaceable negotiation tool. Directly after giving birth I have been showered with precious gems and lavish vacations from the man whose maximum pain tolerance peaks at a paper cut.

Let's face it. Pregnancy is still a shroud of mystery to most men. Until now. This is going to blow the secret of the sisterhood. Hormonal rants, crazy food cravings and squeezing out a human being are rewards to those of us who have to wear tampons and endure menopause.

For nine months, a pregnant woman is cared for, indulged, treated carefully, even placed on some sort of reproductive pedestal.

Bottom line: when she plays her cards right, a pregnant woman can be treated like the fertile, life-giving queen that she is.

Bottom most line:

It's bad enough when you're sick, I DON'T NEED YET ANOTHER REASON TO CATER TO A MAN!


**No, of course this story is an Internet hoax from www.malepregnancy.com. There is a transgender man who is allegedly pregnant, as revealed recently, on April Fool's Day, I believe. But if he started as a woman, changed to a man, but still kept the female reproductive organs, wouldn't that still qualify him to be a woman??

Anyway, it's crazy to think about. As far as I know, seahorses are the pregnant males I've seen.