I love yard sales. Pilfering through someone else's junk brings instant gratification. At my first sale of the summer I found The Works of Thomas Aquinass and The Iliad. The homeowner thought this was a first edition book, seeing as how he had never head of Homer, the one named author but likened him to Oprah. Perhaps, he pondered, it was a book by the creator of The Simpsons? I assured him all were possibilities.
My best yard sale find of the season: A GIANT lobster Jello mold. For 25 cents, what a find! Of course, I have no idea what I intend to do with said mold. Perhaps a Caribbean party? Something about it seemed vaguely familiar...I haven't made Jello since...OH NO!
I bought Jello molds last year at a yard sale! No one under 70 years of age even OWNS Jello molds. WHY DO I BUY JELLO MOLDS?? I have a problem, a gelatinous syndrome, an obsession with jiggly finger foods, a non-food group related tic. I need intervention! What is my problem?!!!
I'm a freak show. I'll take Foods Without Bones for $200, Alex. My poor kids will be forced to clean out my house when I die and be confronted with a tin menagerie. A closet full of androgynous shells awaiting sugar water and refrigeration. How embarrassing!
Why do I keep buying bizarre Jello molds?
Last year it was the twin fish Jello molds. This year it's the lobster. Seriously, why do I hone in on the edible sea creatures? Is there something Freudian about this?
Why can't I find a nice flower arrangement or crocheted toilet paper holder?...wow.
Showing posts with label Oprah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Oprah. Show all posts
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The Big O
I’m getting ready to road trip with my eight year old daughter to Virginia. I'm going to be driving some volleyball players to a team camp there and I thought it would be fun to take Evangeline. It should only be about a seven hour drive, however, having just seen Deliverance I'm refusing to drive through the state of West Virginia, so it's going to be much longer.
Such an event calls for audio books. Our county library is so lame it left me agonizing between The Life and Times of Rodney Dangerfield or The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama. Both are as about appealing as being a Soul Train dancer. I picked up the Obama book after a fierce competition of rock, paper, scissors with myself.
Then I remembered that I heard on the news earlier that Oprah plans to help raise campaign funds for Obama.
So I started wondering what it would be like if Obama and Oprah hooked up, got married and began a one name empire. Just think of the ridiculous media barrage we’d be subjected to if that came to fruition. Egad, the fourth vowel would be raised to almost biblical proportions. The letter itself would achieve sainthood, but only the long sound, not the short sound.
Even their initials together point to some hidden agenda. B.O.O.W. BOOW. BOW. Bown down and worship the great O's. They will not be treated as mere mortals but god-like in all their televised greatness.
He could use her billions and she would become the first lady of the United States. She would, of course, have to slum it in the White House. Her decorating friend Nate would be called upon to fix the feng shui from the previous administration.
And then what if instead of having a poet laureate, she hired Bob Greene and we the people were subjected to diet and fitness tips for the whole term.
And then Oprah's Book Club would reach universal popularity. Even Kim Jong Il would come on to the show to discuss The Secret, except he would be asked to leave because as soon as anyone disagreed with him, he would squint through his fiberglass lenses while making death threats in Korean.
Of course, First lady Oprah could find cave dweller Osama bin Laden and coax him onto the show where Dr. Phil would be waiting. I bet in a forty five minute segment, she could start world peace.
And then, I thought, what if, for her cause, she eschewed the cliquish topics like world hunger, and instead chose to bring Botox breaks to the workplace. She could make it mandatory that employers offer Botox injections during employee breaks and that would be really cool. I’d vote for that.
You can see how one could get carried away with the possibilities. Although Rodney Dangerfield looked tempting, in the end, I opted for La Traviata, if nothing more than to make me look smart.
Such an event calls for audio books. Our county library is so lame it left me agonizing between The Life and Times of Rodney Dangerfield or The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama. Both are as about appealing as being a Soul Train dancer. I picked up the Obama book after a fierce competition of rock, paper, scissors with myself.
Then I remembered that I heard on the news earlier that Oprah plans to help raise campaign funds for Obama.
So I started wondering what it would be like if Obama and Oprah hooked up, got married and began a one name empire. Just think of the ridiculous media barrage we’d be subjected to if that came to fruition. Egad, the fourth vowel would be raised to almost biblical proportions. The letter itself would achieve sainthood, but only the long sound, not the short sound.
Even their initials together point to some hidden agenda. B.O.O.W. BOOW. BOW. Bown down and worship the great O's. They will not be treated as mere mortals but god-like in all their televised greatness.
He could use her billions and she would become the first lady of the United States. She would, of course, have to slum it in the White House. Her decorating friend Nate would be called upon to fix the feng shui from the previous administration.
And then what if instead of having a poet laureate, she hired Bob Greene and we the people were subjected to diet and fitness tips for the whole term.
And then Oprah's Book Club would reach universal popularity. Even Kim Jong Il would come on to the show to discuss The Secret, except he would be asked to leave because as soon as anyone disagreed with him, he would squint through his fiberglass lenses while making death threats in Korean.
Of course, First lady Oprah could find cave dweller Osama bin Laden and coax him onto the show where Dr. Phil would be waiting. I bet in a forty five minute segment, she could start world peace.
And then, I thought, what if, for her cause, she eschewed the cliquish topics like world hunger, and instead chose to bring Botox breaks to the workplace. She could make it mandatory that employers offer Botox injections during employee breaks and that would be really cool. I’d vote for that.
You can see how one could get carried away with the possibilities. Although Rodney Dangerfield looked tempting, in the end, I opted for La Traviata, if nothing more than to make me look smart.
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