One Man's Trash is Another Man's...Aquatic Syndrome

I love yard sales. Pilfering through someone else's junk brings instant gratification. At my first sale of the summer I found The Works of Thomas Aquinass and The Iliad. The homeowner thought this was a first edition book, seeing as how he had never head of Homer, the one named author but likened him to Oprah. Perhaps, he pondered, it was a book by the creator of The Simpsons? I assured him all were possibilities.

My best yard sale find of the season: A GIANT lobster Jello mold. For 25 cents, what a find! Of course, I have no idea what I intend to do with said mold. Perhaps a Caribbean party? Something about it seemed vaguely familiar...I haven't made Jello since...OH NO!

I bought Jello molds last year at a yard sale! No one under 70 years of age even OWNS Jello molds. WHY DO I BUY JELLO MOLDS?? I have a problem, a gelatinous syndrome, an obsession with jiggly finger foods, a non-food group related tic. I need intervention! What is my problem?!!!

I'm a freak show. I'll take Foods Without Bones for $200, Alex. My poor kids will be forced to clean out my house when I die and be confronted with a tin menagerie. A closet full of androgynous shells awaiting sugar water and refrigeration. How embarrassing!

Why do I keep buying bizarre Jello molds?

Last year it was the twin fish Jello molds. This year it's the lobster. Seriously, why do I hone in on the edible sea creatures? Is there something Freudian about this?

Why can't I find a nice flower arrangement or crocheted toilet paper holder?...wow.

Mixing business with pleasure

My friend Ron just reminded me of something I wanted to learn about Jello. On the package directions, it says to add fruit or vegetables. Of course, my eyeballs bulged like a kumquat when I read the word, vegetables. Being a Jello rookie, I have only had the fruit induced Jello.

What kind of vegetables do you add to Jello? I started thinking about radishes and cherry gelatin, Green onions, green beans and lima beans to lemon jigglers. Boy, I bet the kids would gobble those up! Beets, asparagus, zucchini and those weird, twisted brown root things that I swear, look at me as I pass them in the grocery; the possibilities are infinite.

Ron said he and his wife, Marilyn, enjoyed Jello with shredded carrots and pineapple. Shredded carrots are dainty and inoffensive. You can use them to sneak vitamins into the most surprising places. They're like drug mules of the vitamin world; carrying their healthiness into unsuspecting territory.

Actually, shredded carrots might be a possible exception, if one was physically forced to eat Veg-O. Of course, shredded carrots also show up in carrot cake. I'm not a huge fan of carrot cake, seeing that it doesn't contain chocolate. But, I have a hard time eating it anyway due to the combing of the two social classes: vegetable and delectable sweets.

I fully uphold the natural laws of segregation when it comes to combining healthy foods with the sign-me-up-for-a-heart-attack dessert family. One is business. The other pleasure and never the two should meet.

However, recent research has yielded some interesting results: Espresso Jello, Cherry Coke Jello, green salad with cottage cheese, Jello pizza and apricot and zucchini jelly (which my mom loves but she buys it from some fancy place with a brilliant marketing department). Very few vegetable recipes, but I did find Ron's carrot and pineapple Jello salad. So it does exist, with rave reviews from Ron,although he's a Notre Dame fan so his credibility is suspect. Do some research and discover for yourself this untapped resource known as Jello.

Bon Apetite.