Hudson and Hygiene

"Real men don't LOL." Hudson, age 8.

Nothing says 'I Love You' like a stink weed

These are my Mother's Day lilies. They are HUGE. Huge like the size of my head, huge. My husband ordered them from www.proflowers.com. These are the best flowers ever. I haven't killed them yet. My Pepto-pink Valentine's Day flowers were also from the same place, and they were the biggest roses I've seen not on a Rose Bowl Day parade float.

Anyway, these mammoth lilies are also aromatic. Some might say, overpowering. My four boys call them 'stink weeds.' Hudson, my 7 year old with bionic olfactory abilities, refuses to eat dinner at the table if the stink weeds are there. Apparently the scent of food and nature don't mix with his delicate culinary palette.

Usually he has the sniffing abilities of a coon dog. I was beginning to think I'd bred some sort of mutant superhero who could smell trouble a galaxy away. Then I caught him upstairs sniffing some flowers I was using to make a wreath.

"These smell better than that stink weed," he says.

"Those are fake flowers," I said.

"That's my point."

Forget the superhero. I'm raising a super smart alec.



PS I apologize for the picture quality. I used my cell phone. I guess if you leave your phone at the bottom of your purse it can get clogged with stuff, like q-tips and cracker crumbs and foot powder stuff. Don't ask.

Superheroes

I never saw Spiderman look so good. In a plot to create a Mother's Day surprise, my eldest son orchestrated a covert gift-giving operation. From his four siblings, he recruited the two that don't drool.

Secretly, they filled page after page from their favorite coloring books to create their masterpiece: a Spiderman collage. Their superhero, adorned in a rainbow of colors, is depicted in all sorts of cataclysmic scenarios-battling villains and ensuring that good triumphs over evil.

The pages are ranked according to the artistic abilities of a seven-, four- and three-year old. Each bears a message-written in varying degrees of coherence-ranging from "Happy Mother's Day" to merely the artist's name, in randomly selected capital letters.
It's adorable. Completely uninitiated and, therefore, all the more cherished.

The kids stowed the pages in a private location, accessible only by the tooth fairy: underneath their pillows. When the pictures emerged on Mother's Day, they looked, to say the least, well rested.

I'm a big fan of the web slinger. But that's not what makes the gift tear-jerking precious.

Instead, it's the chubby face with dazzling eyes. It's the dimpled hands. It's the "Happy Mudder's Day" moment when a priceless work of art was thrust at me-the reason all mothers save yarn flowers, painted rocks and Popsicle stick crafts. It's that face, that look, that says, For this moment in my little life, you, Mommy, are the most important person in the world to me.

I dread the day they won't look at me with such admiration, when my loving glances, might not be reciprocated. Or the day my man-child looks at "another" woman with admiration and love. And today's handcrafted token will become souvenirs of my past.

But for now, I am the object of their affection. Their first love. Their superhero. And I'll tuck away my Mother's Day gift along with a piece of my heart.

Besides,a purple and orange Spidey? You can't put a price on talent like that.

I've already published this post, but it never gets old, to me. It was orignally published in one of those Chicken Soup books and before that in the newspaper column I used to write.

You know, I'm such a control freak, when the Chick Soup editors made a slight word change, it made the whole $200 profit soooo not worth it. I felt cheap. And used.

They altered the original phrase and used the phrase 'man-child.' Who uses the word man-child? Rudyard Kipling, that's who. I'm not writing about Mowgli! That's so embarrassing I told few people about the publication and certainly not without a disclaimer.

Jonah, hell and death. Kids say some funny stuff

These kids' quotes have been circulating on the web for a while now. but they still make me smile. Have a great day!



A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were
drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They
will in a minute."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou
shall not kill."

************************************************************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and
say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's
dead."


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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as
you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the
blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for
lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Word of the Day

deipnosophist \dyp-NOS-uh-fist\, noun:

Someone who is skilled in table talk.


My 7 year old Hudson proved he is a deipnosophist yesterday when he began our dinner with this topic of conversation:

"You know, I haven't gone poop all year."

It's difficult NOT to have some sort of rebuttal.

Baby, It's Cold Outside...

My word. It's freezing outside. The temperature is a balmy 4 degrees. We're supposed to get 5 to 7 inches of snow tonight. Snow day?? That would be heavenly. Snuggling in bed, hot chocolate and lots and lots of warm feet. My daughter will stay and read books with me in bed but the boys...it won't take long before my bed turns into a WWE wrestling arena. Not good for hot chocolate.

I've been amused by the weather forecasts and the meteorologists who are straining to think up creative ways to say "It's *&%#! Cold."

Last night I watched on the edge of my seat as the news person poured water into ice cube trays and then set them next to a clock. We watched eagerly as the water iced over at the 15 minute mark. 45 minutes later she twisted that ice cube tray on live TV and to the delight of the viewing audience, ice cubes dove to the ground below.


My favorite report tonight involved possible appendage amputation due to frost bite. To illustrate the importance of keeping your skin covered in the extreme temps, "Chuck" demonstrated what his skin looked like after being exposed to the cold. White and wrinkly. I think it may have already been white and wrinkly.

Then, we hear a nice, warm studio voice say, "What happens when you take off your hat Chuck?" Chuck takes off his hat. Watch Chuck shiver.



"What does it feel like when you take off your coat, Chuck?" Watch Chuck freeze.

"Wow. We can see from our heat sensing camera thingamabob that you are loosing body heat quickly, Chuck. What happens when you take off your gloves?" Watch Chuck loose his fingers.

"Chuck, what happens to you when...?” Good luck Chuck.


Newsflash: No need to abuse poor Chuck. Most of know how cold it is outside. I just made ice cubes.

*****

Heard in our house tonight from a six year old: "Wow. My armpit feels good." Never underestimate the joy of discovering an overlooked body part.

Six year olds should rule the world.

Nobel Peace Prize nominee, right here people.

"Mom, are we having Thursday this week?"

Optional weekdays. I love it. Brilliant idea.