Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Parenting Tips from American Idol

Imagine life in the times of *Nero. The Roman Coliseum is filled with blood thirsty fans, chanting, frenzied, awaiting the public humiliation extravaganza a year in the making. The excitement is palpable; dusty air mixes with hairspray and stage makeup. Instead of Nero in the box seat, it's Simon Cowell, Paula and Randy-I have-a-limited-vocabulary-Jackson.

With wicked anticipation, America awaits the first volunteer gladiator. How disappointing if it turns out to be someone with real talent!

Seriously people, we are the reason Jerry Springer will never go off the air.

What is it about enjoying someone's embarrassment that is so darn fun? I swear every year I'm not going to get sucked into watching it, but sure enough, the tap dancing George Michael gets me every time.

Is it really evil and malevolent to laugh if the guy voluntarily steps onto the nationwide stage to perform Islands in the Stream with sign language?

Shame, shame on you! These are mere children we're talking about. Perhaps you ought to examine your motives for watching the American Idol auditions, and cleanse your impure thoughts. But do it during a commercial break.

Educationally speaking, I can justify my decision to watch the American Idol auditions. Perhaps unwittingly, the producers provide a vibrant example of parenting gone wild. Good parenting class material.

Example 1: Teach your child to obey, happily. If Simon says get out, you get out. Maintain some dignity and release the security guard.

Example 2: If you don't get your way, accept that decision, STOP WHINING. And for Pete's sake, leave Paula alone. You're not even old enough to remember the '80's.

Example 3: If you don't get your way, keep your mouth shut, you little %$#@!. Nobody wants to hear that kind of language.

Example 4: Unless you've given birth to a verified vocal phenom or Charlotte Church, don't let your kids grow up thinking they are ALL THAT.

Sooner or later they will face Nero and it won't be pretty.

*History disclaimer. I don't that Nero actually sat in the coliseum, it just sounded good.

No comments: