I Heart Mediocrity

I don’t understand vehicular labels. I get the vacation labels-Hilton Head Island, Fiji Island, Hawaii Island, and Rykers Island. If I could afford to vacation at these places, I’d brag about it too. I’m talking about the dog labels. Isn’t it enough that I have to read where people vacation, but do I have to read what breed of dog they own? My brother loves his Labrador label, complete with the silhouette of a Labrador, for a literal translation. I’ve seen marketing ploys for nearly every breed. You name it, someone has stuck it on their car.

I’m not opposed to the shameless capitalist advertising gimmick, but I think it should be open to all breeds and not solely limited to purebreds. How dare we, as a society, decry intolerance yet practice the very inequality we oppose? Where are the stickers for the half-breeds, the mutts and the “My father is a stud and my mother could be your Labrador” stickers?

I demand the label industry rise to the occasion and produce auto labels for the common man who owns the common dog who drives the common pick up truck. I demand to see a “good hunting dog with a bit of an overbite” sticker.

While I’m at it, I hate the “my child is an honor student” bumper stickers. It’s simply not fair to the students who have broken the educational mold and cannot be confined to a cookie cutter education. Where are the “my child is home schooled so he’s waaaay smarter than your honor student” bumper stickers? Or, “my child can’t spell but he’s the reigning X-box champion in the tri-state area” label?

Why must we advertise our elitist preferences? Will it end with cars, vacations and pets? How about sporting a “What would Martha Do?” label as you defiantly pass the rest of us in the fast food drive through lane?

Isn’t it bad enough that if you drive a BMW and I drive a 10year old mini-van, that we’re already wearing our “labels”? On second thought, that's ok. I think I will stick a “My pit bull just ate your vest-wearin’ Pomeranian” sticker on my van.

Where can I get one of those?