Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Super Fat Tuesday

For the record, I predicted the Giants to win the Super Bowl. Some fans use statistical data to evaluate the probability of a win but I employed my tried and true method of basing everything on a good, solid whim.

Here's how it works: I carefully evaluate based on what I like or dislike about the subjects at hand. For instance, Eli Manning looks like a sound effect.
On the other hand, besides being a University of Michigan spawn, pretty Tom Brady left his supermodel baby mama for another super model. Advantage: Giants.

On this here Super Tuesday, I employed the same scientific method. One has to contemplate the phonetic rhythmic consequences of the candidate should his/her name be preceded by the title of President. Example: President Rudolph Giuliani. Hmm. Rudolph goes to Washington. Rudolph the Red Nosed Republican. Maybe it's good he dropped out. Advantage: America.

Next: President Clinton. Again? Same name, different body parts. President Bush, President Clinton, President Bush, President Clinton. Sounds like a dynasty. Advantage: Blinton. Or Clibush.

The next two sound like characters created by Dr. Seuss. Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. Mitt. Mitt. Is that his real name or is short for something like, say, Mitthew, or Mittchell, or Mittingham? Caption writers would have a jolly good four years with that one.

Huckabee. It's hard to take seriously a commander-in-chief named Huckabee. He sounds whimsical and springy, like an Easter dessert. If Huckabee were in the White House, time would slow and clouds would be forever fluffy. Life would be sweet. I like sweet. Advantage: Huckabee.

Barak Hussein Obama. Does not sound Huckabee sweet but he could use catchy slogans the "Barak the Vote." The Hussein part is detrimental and sure to inspire conspiracy theory-ists. If you say quickly the whole name, it sounds like a drink. With hard liquor. I'll have a Barakobama, heavy on the Obama. Hit me with a B.O.

On the other hand, he does have dazzling white teeth and an infectious smile. He’s a walking Ken doll. It's hard to say no to Ken. Advantage: Barbie.

This concludes my theorem on random life choices. Please vote responsibly.

No comments: