Give Me the Finger

It's been a long week. It began with me thinking I would give up sugar. It ended with me not being able to fit into my fat pants. I decided to go back a ways and dig up some old stuff about being grateful. No matter the size of my thighs.

We listen to math and counting CD’s in the car so it’s not a big deal to hear counting sequences from the back of the car. Today the math skills were uttered with particular delight. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11! 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11!!

Over and over I heard this. Finally, with great exuberance the proclamation came from my preschool age son. “Yessss! I have 11 fingers! I have 11 fingers. I’m so grateful!” The heraldry and pageantry that followed such a discovery was contagious as his twin brother, whose computation skills are suspect, confirmed the discovery and they both whooped it up in the back seat.


I’m fairly certain that in the few years since his birth he hasn’t grown another finger and I’m definitely certain that he was born with only five on each hand. The result of duplicating fingers while counting was, no doubt the cause for such joy. I guess this gives new meaning to “double digits.”

For most people, growing an additional appendage would be the thing of tabloids and alien TV shows. Generally speaking, growing an additional anything is not a cause for holiday. Not so for my son. It was genuine gratefulness for something so generous. Had I announced ice cream and Cheetos for dinner, the delight could not have been greater. Oh the things one can do with an extra finger or two!

When was the last time that I was truly grateful for a circumstance deemed “terribly unfortunate” by others? No, I don’t have genetically warped DNA that causes such growth spurts. However, as a family, we have gone through some trying times together-a job loss, a house fire, a mediocre Buckeye football season-but the best joys are the simply profound revelations that are seen only by the beholder of such beauty.

The next time a dire circumstance looks bleak and unbearable, look through the eyes of a four year old. The beauty is there, just waiting for a grateful glance. Go a head, whoop it up, even in the bad times. People may look at you like you’ve grown an extra finger, but being able to count your blessings in every circumstance is living better than you can imagine.

American Idol Heresy or Is This Old News and I'm the Last to Know?

I was at the hair salon in the middle of a foil weave when it happened. The young girl doing my hair let loose a string of words so repulsive I froze to the chair, my face in taut anguish.

"What did you JUST say?" I croaked.

"Oh yeah, most of the contestants on AI this season are planted there by the producers. They have performance experience, some have record contracts," she replied in a high pitched valley girl voice.

"How do you know," I asked, outwardly nonchalant, but inwardly ready to protest this youthful foolishness with verbiage vehement enough to send her crying to her momma.

"I read about it on these web sites," she twittered, oblivious that all color had drained from my face and she may as well have been working at a morgue. Everybody knows that if you read it on the web, it must be true.

I'd heard about such Internet chicanery during the Sanjaya era, but with little consequence or interest.

But this-this heresy! American Idol is about rewarding the little guy, the American Dream, the rags to riches story, it's Rocky Balboa. It's quintessential Horatio Alger.

Or is it?

I visited this web site and to my horror, I discovered more about American Idol than I ever wanted to know. I also saw a lot of lewd advertisements, just FYI. And I'm not taking about ads for graduate school. Sometimes the truth lurks in dark places. Disclaimer: I'm not promoting this site or their antics, just using them for the research provided.

WARNING: IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR IDYLLIC BUBBLE BURST, DON'T READ ANY MORE-

The contestants allegedly 'planted' on the show are Carly Smithson (Has a CD);

Kristy Lee Cook (signed with Arista Nashville, scheduled to perform with Britney Spears in her debut video); Michael Johns (not his real name) Jason Castro, Syesha Mercado, David Archuleta and Brooke White.


Some are worse offenders than others. David Cook is a front man for a band, but so was Chris Daughtry. But, hello, I'm B-L-O-N-D-E, not stupid. There's a difference, buddy.

If you're going to bill a show as, how did Randy Jackson put that, "We're out to find the best undiscovered [talent] and really herald that,” than they had better be undiscovered. I don't want to see David Archuleta singin' on the Jenny Jones show!

Now I'm distraught. Are we all tapped out of America's undiscovered talent so we have to use the 'less discovered' talent but with Hollywood connections?

This is like finding out that the salad I've been eating for lunch for the past seventeen years has like 107 carbs in it, even though it's under the 'healthy choice' section of the menu.

You can check out details HERE and decide for yourself.

Among those not a plant: Amanda Overmeyer and Chikezie. I loved Amanda and her royal Janis Jopliness and Chickezie is the original snack that smiles back. How can you NOT love this face?


Anyway, see for yourself if you must. I wish I could forget everything I'd heard in the salon.

Especially the cost of a foil weave.

New and Improved Potty Training

I came across this giveaway contest over at momsational.com
The Gotta Go Mitts. The answer to taking your wee ones potty in public places.

According to the website:

Gotta Go Mitts are the best product on the market for protecting your child’s hands from wetness and germs on unsanitary public toilets when your child has to hold on for balance, lift the seat, touch the flush lever, or like most toddlers, examine the bathroom floor and anything else interesting!

Having four boys, I think it's a lot easier to say, "Don't touch the toilet seat." All their apparatus is self adjusting and comes with a 'hands free' device.

It IS hard for little girls to balance on that huge porcelain toilet while trying to simultaneously NOT touch the actual toilet seat and trying NOT to fall in.

Unless you're teaching your kid to levitate, there's going to be some (eeewww) contact. It's a great idea for shopping, vacations, visits to the in-laws, or those times when you forget to clean the toilet.

I wish someone had invented these when I was potty training my kids!

Freebies!

I hope your Easter was a blessing to you! I did OD on the Peeps, but other than that, it was a great day.

www.hulu.com is now open to the public. Free movies and TV, whenever you want. I have a "friend" who introduced me to Hulu a couple of months ago. I'm not saying it's ok to watch at work, but let's say during a lunch "hour" or "free" time, it's fun to catch up on The Office.

So go get ya some Jim Halpert.

Confessions of a Peepaholic

This post is from last Easter, but oddly enough, it still applies. Have a very Blessed Easter everyone!

They call to me from behind their cellophane wall. Little confectionary animals beg to jump into my watering mouth. What other time of year is such a struggle, healthfully speaking, than the Easter season; the time of the Peeps? Little pieces of brightly colored marshmallow delicacy delivered only in the spring. I know you can buy them other times of the year but this is a marketing ploy unsuccessful in my opinion. Peeps just don’t taste the same at Christmas. They are the bonne bouche of my Easter basket.

There’s something about sinking your teeth through the sugary skin into the lifeless animal bodies, ripping them apart with bare teeth or even swallowing them whole that makes the extra workouts so worthwhile. I would never intentionally turn down a bunny shaped Peep but I prefer the little birdies. There’s something about the bunnies-maybe it’s the limbs. Some have arms and legs-who wants to eat an anatomically correct Peep?

I know some don’t have the refined palate required to appreciate the taste of the mass produced pure sugar delicacy. In fact, after the first Peep, I don’t recall a particular taste at all. It’s just the anticipated nectar high and zest for sugar coated birds that trigger the Pavlovian reaction.

I have been known to secretly eat an entire package of Peeps at one time. My family refused to speak to me after that incident on account of my drastic sugar high. I not only spoke loudly and at mach speed but I actually launched into Urdu at one point.

Now I pace myself. One Peep at a time. Slow and steady. Keep the blood sugar levels out of six digits. But of course, like the Israelites wandering in the wilderness, I know that the manna from heaven will one day be gone, so I’m tempted to horde the billowy desserts.

In a few days they will be gone, wiped from the store shelves, remembered only by my too tight jeans. To stem the tide of desire until next season, my obsession will turn to other dainty indulgences, like Milk Duds.

Easter, please, without snow.

What do you do for Easter? My cousin Holland has probably hand stitched matching dresses from the individual petals of imported Costa Rican flora.

There's something about the celebration of Easter and the beginning of Spring; church services in vibrant purple; tulips and sunshine and family gatherings; Easter egg hunts and melting chocolate bunnies. I love Easter. If I lived in the South, I'd be wearing a wide brimmed hat ala Jackie O and elegant white gloves.

It's Good Friday. Ordinarily I would have the family Easter outfits color coordinated in various shades of Spring along with new Easter shoes which come with specific instructions NOT to be worn before Easter. Offenses are punishable by $500 fines and imprisonment. Hair ribbons, clean socks, shiny hair~it's a tradition.

But not this year. I can't even muster enough gumption to go to Target. We've just recovered from a blizzard a mere week ago. Guess what's in the forecast: SNOW.

Needless to say I've been highly unmotivated to get ready for Easter. No Easter baskets, no egg coloring, no jelly beans, no Peeps, no fuzzy bunnies...because THOSE are the Easter essentials...No, I'll be getting out the snow shovels and long underwear.

Instead of wearing these cute sandals:


I'll be wearing these:I wonder if Jesus would mind if I postponed our Easter until next week? Besides, EVERYONE knows if you can't wear your new shoes, it just can't be Easter.

Freebies!

Hey Y'all,

Wow, did that ever feel weird to say. My-recently-moved-to-Texas-sister has taken to saying y'all like it's her cultural obligation. It's folksy so I thought I would give it a try. When I said it just now in my head, it sounded like YAR. My lips and tongue were in complete disbelief. I'm going to work on it.

Melanie over at Mommy Doodles discovered a FREE photo editing website. I said FREE, right?

Y'arll ought to check it out.

American Idol

The real person having an 'off' night last night on American Idol was Simon Cowell. His usually abrasive yet lovable personality seemed downright cantankerous, like he missed his nap time, or 50.

He called David Cook's performance 'predictable.' A Whitesnake version of a Beatles song with a voice box was NOT what I was expecting. I couldn't have predicted that if I was LaToya Jackson. I didn't say I liked the voice box, but it's the first one I've seen this season. Good on ya mate.

Blackbird was indulgent? What exactly does that mean? I indulge in chocolate brownies, I'm not sure how Carly indulged herself in that song choice. She's beautiful, her voice is beautiful, the red was beautiful. Is someone baking brownies?

Chikezie was a mess? I liked the different vocal styles and I loved the harmonica. He makes me smile. I like smiling, it's the best.

I DO agree the second week of the Beatles genre was not a good choice. Leave well enough alone. Spot on with that Simon. Now get some rest before next week. Would you be opposed to a Twisted Sister night?

Is it my imagination or have the necklines plunged on the contestants who were in the bottom three?

Who will go: Kristy Lee Cook. It's ok. She'll get a Revlon contract.

American Idol Pre-Game Post

Lima Sahar is the first female contestant to make it to the top three on Afghanistan's version of American Idol, called Afghan Star. She was voted off last week. Critics had protested her singing in public in the Muslim country. They even took their complaints to the president.

Can you imagine calling up George W. Bush? "Yeah, Hello Mr. President, I know you're busy with the Bear Stearns buyout and the pending economic doom, but could you do something about the number of male contestants with long hair? Also, could you look into the rampant use of teeth whiteners? Seriously, focus on the fixable domestic problems..."

Party like it's 1987

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after. Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 'Gift From the Sea'

This blog party was such a good idea. Instead of feeling like, "Wow, I wish this party would end so I can take off my pantyhose. I felt like, "Wow. Now I know why blogging is addictive and so wildly popular."

It was so nice to meet other moms and women who can relate to each other. C.S. Lewis said, "We read to know we're not alone." I think that's why we write, also. It takes some guts to write and publish some of the things that are out there but I know I benefited from reading those posts.

There are so may great, creatively written blogs. On top of that, the blogs themselves are so creative and cute and beautiful and so...crafty. I have so much to learn about blogging; I'm so behind!

It's like I just NOW discovered the Rubik's Cube.

Blog Paaarty! Everyone over the age of 12 admitted.

I love the idea of a blog party. It’s like having an open house without the happy hostess face.

If I lived in the Deep South, like I’ve always wanted to, I’d be serving sweet tea on my porch. But I don’t. Come to think of it, I’ve never visited the Deep South, but I’m sure they serve sweet tea. I live in central Ohio where we recently were dealt record snowfall during what is being creatively billed by the weather community as "The Blizzard of 2008." Those meteorologists are pithy bunch.

Over 20 inches of snow fell and blew and blew and fell. It’s the most we’ve had since 1910, which I can barely remember.

So instead of having a spring themed party, we’re going to have a Snow Party. Sledding,
snowball fights, two-headed snowmen,

get to know our snow dog Sascha,
drift diving, and *possibly a snow sculpture or two.

.. Afterward, we’ll warm our hands and sip hot chocolate by the fireplace. Sure, it might sound good in December, but it’s almost Easter! Imagine going to Easter services in thermal underwear!

Anyway, any party which requires no cleaning, I’m all for. I especially like visiting other blog parties because I can go in my pajamas. I’d love to get to know other moms. The less perfect you are, the more we’ll have in common.

I don't really write about any one thing in particular, although my favorite posts are about our minivan; mainly for the humiliation factor.

As you can see, I've cobbled together this blog and it looks like my 7 year old is my technical advisor. If you want to leave a technical tip or help, that would be wonderful!

Thanks for visiting!

*I'm not responsible for this sculpture. Some of my students did this, it's pretty fantastic.

Warning: Shoveling Snow can be hazardous to your health.

Headline: Three men in the Cleveland area and one in the Columbus area died Saturday while shoveling snow, authorities said.

That is precisely why you will not catch me outside trying to shovel snow. I can wait until Spring.

What would you do for a Diet Coke??

Do you see that little dark spot to the left of the tree? That's our Suburban. It didn't make it up the driveway last night. In fact, you can't even see that we have a driveway. I happen to know that my 12 pack of Diet Coke was abandoned in the back when my husband had to hike from the end of the driveway to the front door.

Do I put on my snow boots and hike down to get it? Or do I stay nice and warm in my house and wait for the snow to melt???

Just how much do I need a Diet Coke? This may be a good time to evaluate my addiction...

Is That Your Final Answer?

A California Court of Appeal recently decided that homeschooling is illegal in California unless a parent is a certified teacher.

The case arose in a confidential juvenile court proceeding. The Court could have restricted its decision to the facts before it, but instead, it issued a broad ruling that effectively outlaws home education in California. The family and their California counsel are planning to appeal to the Supreme Court of California, which could result in reversal.

The Home School Legal Defense Association (HSLDA) will be formally petitioning the California Supreme Court to depublish the opinion, which would cause it to be of little effect.

To show your support for a parent's right to homeschool, you can go here and sign a petition to get this thing flushed down the crapper.


Governor AHnold Schwarzenegger said in a statement today.

"Parents should not be penalized for acting in the best interests of their
children's education. This outrageous ruling must be overturned by the courts
and if the courts don't protect parents' rights then, as elected officials, we
will."

You tell 'em Terminator.

I don't currently home school my five children, but I have and perhaps might still had I not run into a little thing called 'mathematics.' Anytime you combine letters and numbers and call it useful, I strongly disagree.

It's OUR right as parents to decide what is in the best interest of our own children. Otherwise, Aldous Huxley's prescient words are scarily accurate and we are citizens of a Brave New World.

At least two-thirds of our miseries spring from human stupidity, human malice and those great motivators and justifiers of malice and stupidity: idealism, dogmatism and proselytizing zeal on behalf of religous or political ideas.
Aldous Huxley
English critic & novelist (1894 - 1963)

Dear God, It's March.

Dear God,

You're snowmanship is impressive. This blizzard has everyone stuck inside their homes. Even restaurants are closing. Seriously, it takes a lot to shut down a Long John Silvers. If I might be so brazen as to offer up a couple suggestions:

a) Please keep all blizzards and heavy snow falls confined to the months of December and January. A Christmas snow is beautiful and sets the world rejoicing and singing Your praises. It's March. The snow is cold and it sets everyone to saying different things about You. I'm just saying... I'm sure you'd like to get along in the business of flowers and Spring rains.

b)Additionally, could you work out the schedule so we're only snowed in on school days? Being snowed in on the weekend is the pits.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I know You're in the business of miracles, especially since Hillary won Ohio and Texas.

Amen.


PS Please help the road crews to get the roads clear by Tuesday because I have a hair appointment.

A No Cussing Zone? That's a %$#@! good idea.

It wasn't long ago when I walked into the mall with my gang only to be greeted by a group of saggy-bottomed teens dropping the F-bomb like it was a preposition. Grrr...

What do you do?? I found this article and thought, gosh darn it, the teenage world has not gone down the crapper. A No-Cussing Zone. The whole city adopted a no cussing week. It's the brainchild of a 14 year old boy, who instead of quaking under peer pressure, made a decision for himself.

McKay Hatch's own verbal convictions started a trend in South Pasadena high school and spread from there. The mayor of the city proclaimed the first week in March as No Cussing Week.

His website is www.nocussing.com.

Just when you think it's not safe to send your kids outside, someones kid does the right thing.

Mandatory oral hygiene and a free pony? He has my vote!

Whew, the March primary is over. Can I get an Amen?! I hope this ends the glut of campaign commercials. You know my feelings about Obama and Oprah and Oprah and Obama and Clinton.

However, in case you're wondering, I'm throwing my electoral support behind the dark hose Vermin Love Supreme.
Thwarted by the media; Vermin, or Mr. Supreme is running again this presidential season after an unsuccessful bid in 2004. Among other colorful, possibly Quaalude influenced promises,Vermin Supreme also promises:

To appoint lots of committees to look into all sorts of things.

To tax the bejeezus out of everything.

To pave over everything that has not been paved over yet.

Legislation to make teeth brushing after every meal mandatory.

Free pizza and beer for everybody.

Support the Supreme candidate! Free ponies for all!

Free Cleaners Inspire Cleaning, kinda

This post will definitely qualify for publication in the Portly Mommas Blog Ring. Other trendy mom bloggers may write about style, fashion, home decor and their latest Sephora purchases. I bet their awash in Estee Lauder and Easter dresses. Noooo, not me. I'm awash in Lime-A-Way and baggy sweat pants. And now I'm writing about a household cleaner like it's sashaying down the runway. New this Spring in vibrant colors and flattering lines...

Guess what?! I won a random drawing! I can't believe it because I never win anything. Well, except for in the fourth grade I won a free face painting from the library drawing. Since it was a Halloween theme, and I was the evangelical poster child, I had to forgo my winnings. A free Halloween face is no bargain at all.

Over at www.themomblogs.com, I registered to win free household cleaners. Alas, they were not giving away household cleaners, as in a troupe of merry maids, but actual tools of the trade. Which is all fine and good and practical. It may inspire me to gird up my loins and tackle some household jobs. The folks who make Mr. Clean are trying out some new stuff. With new smells. It's like the cocktail of household cleaners.

It turns out the Magic Eraser is now infused with a Febreze citrus scent. It's the only thing I've used so far; I want to pace myself. I'm already a fan of the Magic Eraser so the whole citrus smell is an added bonus. I've found that it works great in the bathtub on yucky hard water stains.

Next I'm going to use the Mr. Clean household multipurpose cleaner with Febreze Meadows and Rain scent. It kinda smells like Windex and fruit, but I don't want to rush to judgment.

Up next: the Lavender Vanilla Comfort Swiffer dusters. I bet it relaxes you while dusting. Hypnotic household cleaning. Nice.