The mother of all childbirth stories.

Safe...for now

I like them. I doubt either will win. I like that one has skunk hair and the other has tattoos down her arm. They're themselves, not blond cheerleaders or the spitting image of past winners. Plus, they both like Janis Joplin. How can you go wrong with that?

What about you?

Word of the Day

re·cher·ché [ruh-shair-shey, ruh-shair-shey; Fr. ruh-sher-shey] –adjective

1. sought out with care.
2. very rare, exotic, or choice; arcane; obscure.
3. of studied refinement or elegance; precious; affected; pretentious.

Dylan ,10, is sick with the flu. As I was sitting at his bedside nursing him to health, Evangeline walks into the room with her self diagnosis.

"I know why he's sick."

"Why?" I ask, curious about the medical knowledge of a nine year old.

"He farted too much. He over farted."

Such recherche repertoire comes from her father's side of the family.

Seriously though, better get yourself a flu shot, she could be on to something.

Demetri Martin -

When you need to laugh, check out this video. What am I saying? Of course you need to laugh, who doesn't? Um, there are some words you don't want the kiddies repeating to their Sunday school teacher, so save it for nap time.

I'll take two dozen roses in Pepto Pink

Happy Belated Valentine's Day!

Guess what I got for Valentine's Day? The stomach FLU. Eeww. Nothing says romance like a bottle of Pepto. At least it's pink. My kids were so sweet to me during my hour of need. They volunteered to give me all the peace and quiet I needed. This meant they played Xbox games for an indefinite period of time while I wallowed away in my misery. It was all very calculated and organized. I'm not ruling out sabotage here.

Delusions aside, my husband sent me two dozen rainbow colored roses for V-Day. This is a huge deal because he knows I have a pretty dismal history when it comes to caring for living things (kids and pets aside). I'm a horticultural nightmare. Seriously, I could kill a cactus.

So he not only paid for the roses but paid for them knowing that he was sending them directly to their death. No living roses have ever survived a stay in my house. It would have been more humane had they arrived already ground into pot pourri.

It was a terribly sweet gesture. To show my appreciation, I gave him the flu too.

**********

Speaking of the flu and dead flowers, 5minutesformom.com is giving away an Oreck vacuum cleaner to one lucky person. Just leave a comment over there and they'll help you get cleaned up.

Five little snowbound kiddies jumpin' on the bed...

Did I say a snow day would be "heavenly"? What Norman Rockwell-ian hallucinogen was I smoking? Nobody under the age of 50 wants to snuggle in bed reading Robert Frost on a day off school. What was I thinking?

Note to self: Boys must move. I cannot stop them. I can only hope to contain them.

We did manage to get outside for a wee bit, until it starting raining. Then freezing. I saw what happened to "Chuck" so I didn't let the kids stay outside indefinitely. We did manage to make some disfigured snow people...

Mutated two-headed snowman.


Self help for snowman not widely embraced.

Baby, It's Cold Outside...

My word. It's freezing outside. The temperature is a balmy 4 degrees. We're supposed to get 5 to 7 inches of snow tonight. Snow day?? That would be heavenly. Snuggling in bed, hot chocolate and lots and lots of warm feet. My daughter will stay and read books with me in bed but the boys...it won't take long before my bed turns into a WWE wrestling arena. Not good for hot chocolate.

I've been amused by the weather forecasts and the meteorologists who are straining to think up creative ways to say "It's *&%#! Cold."

Last night I watched on the edge of my seat as the news person poured water into ice cube trays and then set them next to a clock. We watched eagerly as the water iced over at the 15 minute mark. 45 minutes later she twisted that ice cube tray on live TV and to the delight of the viewing audience, ice cubes dove to the ground below.


My favorite report tonight involved possible appendage amputation due to frost bite. To illustrate the importance of keeping your skin covered in the extreme temps, "Chuck" demonstrated what his skin looked like after being exposed to the cold. White and wrinkly. I think it may have already been white and wrinkly.

Then, we hear a nice, warm studio voice say, "What happens when you take off your hat Chuck?" Chuck takes off his hat. Watch Chuck shiver.



"What does it feel like when you take off your coat, Chuck?" Watch Chuck freeze.

"Wow. We can see from our heat sensing camera thingamabob that you are loosing body heat quickly, Chuck. What happens when you take off your gloves?" Watch Chuck loose his fingers.

"Chuck, what happens to you when...?” Good luck Chuck.


Newsflash: No need to abuse poor Chuck. Most of know how cold it is outside. I just made ice cubes.

*****

Heard in our house tonight from a six year old: "Wow. My armpit feels good." Never underestimate the joy of discovering an overlooked body part.

Super Fat Tuesday

For the record, I predicted the Giants to win the Super Bowl. Some fans use statistical data to evaluate the probability of a win but I employed my tried and true method of basing everything on a good, solid whim.

Here's how it works: I carefully evaluate based on what I like or dislike about the subjects at hand. For instance, Eli Manning looks like a sound effect.
On the other hand, besides being a University of Michigan spawn, pretty Tom Brady left his supermodel baby mama for another super model. Advantage: Giants.

On this here Super Tuesday, I employed the same scientific method. One has to contemplate the phonetic rhythmic consequences of the candidate should his/her name be preceded by the title of President. Example: President Rudolph Giuliani. Hmm. Rudolph goes to Washington. Rudolph the Red Nosed Republican. Maybe it's good he dropped out. Advantage: America.

Next: President Clinton. Again? Same name, different body parts. President Bush, President Clinton, President Bush, President Clinton. Sounds like a dynasty. Advantage: Blinton. Or Clibush.


The next two sound like characters created by Dr. Seuss. Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee. Mitt. Mitt. Is that his real name or is short for something like, say, Mitthew, or Mittchell, or Mittingham? Caption writers would have a jolly good four years with that one.

Huckabee. It's hard to take seriously a commander-in-chief named Huckabee. He sounds whimsical and springy, like an Easter dessert. If Huckabee were in the White House, time would slow and clouds would be forever fluffy. Life would be sweet. I like sweet. Advantage: Huckabee.

Barak Hussein Obama. Does not sound Huckabee sweet but he could use catchy slogans the "Barak the Vote." The Hussein part is detrimental and sure to inspire conspiracy theory-ists. If you say quickly the whole name, it sounds like a drink. With hard liquor. I'll have a Barakobama, heavy on the Obama. Hit me with a B.O.

On the other hand, he does have dazzling white teeth and an infectious smile. He’s a walking Ken doll. It's hard to say no to Ken. Advantage: Barbie.

This concludes my theorem on random life choices. Please vote responsibly.

We Could Use MOJO

I've read lots about this Maricopa County Sherriff but this is a pretty funny article. We could use a few more Joe's just like him. My friend Val sent me this link. Since I was born in Phoenix and spent my most formitive years there, I feel a kindred spirit with Joe.

It combines some of my favorite topics: Paris Hilton, football and pink underwear.